To bring sex and relationships to higher frequencies, one needs to understand a very simple, yet profound principle.

You need to own your shadow. Once you’ve owned it, you need to eat it, digest it and let it go! If you master this, get ready for mind-blowing experiences.

The difficult thing is actually seeing our shadow because it usually lurks in well-crafted blind spots. And you can count on our shadow showing up in sex — it always does, whether we see it or not. Sex is pure energy and that energy is our very own essence. So, whatever shadows are hiding in the very recesses of our being, sex will bear the imprint of it.

Throughout this 50 shades of connection spectrum, every month I’ve been zooming into the various shadows that show up in sex. This month, the focus is on Sexual Vampirism. I really like talking about this one because I feel it is so subtle and yet happens so frequently, much more than we are aware of. To up your frequency in life, sex and relationships, you have to get a handle on this one or else you will walk around constantly in a depleted state.

And who wants that? Not me!

This kind of sex is not mediated by money, nor straightforward physical abuse. Yet, something is not completely straight, nor honest. It’s sort of like discovering a leech on your body, and the leech can be of varying sizes. It is not rape on the physical level, but a form of “theft” on the energetic level which actually does feel like a violation once you see it. It involves sex where one individual in the coupling is not fully disclosing their intentions as a means of getting the much needed “hit.”

The shadow is needy for life force due to blocked internal energy.

Baljit Rayat, a multi-dimensional healer, explains this phenomenon wonderfully on Devi Ward’s show “Sex is medicine.” In the case of sexual vampirism, the person is avoiding addressing emotional blockages. This ends up actually depleting that person. Instead of taking care of their blockages, they turn to sex to replenish their life forces, which essentially translates to taking someone else’s life forces, or more bluntly, stealing them.

This person is needy for life force due to blocked energy.

How do they do this?

Sexual activity activates powerful life forces and circulates them between two people. When one of the two is in a depleted state they cannot offer up any energy for the exchange. This means that they receive a nice flow of energy going through their body without actually giving any. They simply take. When they are filled up and satisfied, they find a way to close shop, withdraw and leave. When they need to fill up again, they return. If they can’t, they move on to someone else.

On the other hand, the person that lost the energy will experience a sudden feeling of emptiness and loss, propelling them into a state of depletion. This, in turn, sharpens their feelings of neediness and insecurity. People that have been vampirized, explains Baljit, have various symptoms including feeling exhausted rather than vitalized, not feeling yourself, feeling anxious or hollow after sex. They might even feel suddenly that they are really emotionally needy or their fears are magnified. Insecurities skyrocket while self-esteem plummets.

Clue number ONE

You feel insecure. 

It’s the most dominant person in the coupling that leaves with the energy-loot.

The problematic thing in this dynamic is that it can be done very smoothly without you really noticing it. The sexual vampire achieves this by concealing their intentions and makes the other person believe either overtly or indirectly that they are actually “loved and desired” when in fact what is being sought after in truth is their energy.

The “sexual vampire” being energetically depleted is in a state of survival. If the person was perfectly transparent and said: “I don’t love you, I am just depleted. I actually just want to steal your life forces from you. I don’t have the courage to actually look at myself and figure out what is blocking my own life forces from flowing freely. So, if you don’t mind, I’m turning to you to take your vital energy forces.”

Clue number TWO

They have trouble committing to you and have excuses. 

Chances are people wouldn’t go for it. But, the reality is people leak their energy all the time. Often times we leak our energy when we want to please or want to be loved… desperately. At all cost. The shadow: we are emotionally “needy”. We desperately want to be loved and settle for an illusion of love. And yes, the result is costly.

Our life forces are being leaked to someone whose feeding off them. This means that we don’t have those life forces for ourselves, to move our lives forward positively. We have lost our vital forces by deferring our power to someone else which leads to disappointment and disempowerment. Not surprising! We have received a heightened sense of our insecurities, anxieties, fears, neediness and low self-esteem in exchange. Pretty rotten deal. We may even throw up when we finally clue into what was actually going down.

Our body knows, even if we don’t!

Some of these “sexual vampires” may be doing this very consciously, others may be so depleted that they blindly act out of a dimmed state of energetic survival. Once they depleted their life forces again, they will come back knocking at your door, especially if it was an easy plunder.

Especially if we are insecure!

They figured out our weaknesses and know exactly what to say to hook us in. These types of relationships can drag on for very long periods of time due to lack of clarity, authentic communication, and integrity. The strategy is to keep the relationship in a gray zone which makes the maneuvering that much easier. This translates to long periods of energetic “leakage”. Just when we feel like the relationship is done, another hook comes along, another temptation reignites our hope that this could just maybe work out after all!

Clue number THREE

They thrive in a push-pull kind of game. If you pull away, they suddenly pull out the charm card. 

The interesting thing is that when we stop deferring our power to the un-transparent partner and seal up our energetic leakage, they may actually be angry with us! Well, we are pulling away their stash of yummy and soothing life forces! But don’t confuse this with “love”. They were relying on us for their survival, as an addict would on their drug. Eventually, they will just drift away. They really need their “fix”! They will seek out someone else willing to leak their energy to them. Since they act out of a state of depletion, getting life forces is quite the emergency.

Eva Pierrakos explains in her book Creating Union that when someone has really deep set energy blocks and vital forces are completely capped, it splits into areas of deviance. This is the energetic birthplace of deviant sexual behavior. Any deep wound that doesn’t get healed eventually festers. And these types of energy vampires may strike even more vulnerable groups, including children.

As we all know, children have remarkable life forces— fresh and lively— that allow them to grow. When the energy current splits into deviance, survival is the modus operandi of the energy vampire. When they turn to children for their energy plunder — which makes them into “pedophiles” — the results can be extremely disturbing and harmful to the children involved.

The reality is that there are many depleted people roaming this earth for sex, not wanting to own up and take responsibility for themselves.

But, there are just as many people leaking their energy hoping to be loved from such illusions. They too need to own their shadow. They too are needy and depleted. One attracts the other. It is not surprising that vampire movies make a killing in the box office! If you look more closely, you will notice that this dynamic actually explains a large percentage of sexual behavior happening out there.

The Good News: Understanding this is key to improving the quality of your sexual experiences and life: whether you are the sexual vampire or the leaker. We can snap out of these roles quite easily. It’s a question of consciousness: we need to find the root of the problem. It also reveals another fundamental truth: our sex lives and our personal development are intimately connected. More to come on this theme!

To leave the realm of disempowered sex, one needs to enter the zone of clarity, lucidity, and self-respect. Before we shift across the spectrum, it is important to remember: unclarity and un-transparent relationships equate energy zapping, depletion and ultimately, disempowerment. With sexual vampirism, the connection we thought we were getting was just an illusion. But now that we know this, we can shatter it and search for the real deal! Ready to shift? The best piece of advice I can give you to improve your relationships and sex is to start owning your shadow.

Then: Eat it, digest it and let it go! Zat’ is zee rrrrecipe for zzzzuccess!

Love Julie